Winnie's space

Do not know what I am doing at 3am in the living room, sweating my head off, and I'm going to have a busy day at work tomorrow. Again it is one of those nights when I just can't sleep. . .Thought drinking a glass of wine will help put my tired brains & body to rest, but it just made me feel even more HOT.
hot hot hot. . .

Find that there's alot of things running through my mind right now. Guess it is making me feel uncomfortable not being able to imagine how life will be 3 years from now. Will I be able to lead a life which I've always imagined, or will it be one way beyond my imagination.

Funny how life turns out to be sometimes. Can't help but to think that sometimes God placed us on earth to suffer. And since there are so much suffering around, someone smart invented the thing called Movies which are somehow, fantasy like. Somethings which you will never see in real life. Will there ever be a happily ever after? Will anyone will ever be 100% happy with their current jobs?

Well...guess it's time for me to start rolling on the bed again. Long day ahead... groan!

Step back. . . breath . . . Every once a while we all need to step back and breath. . .

How much I have forgotten how refreshing a shower would feel, how fantastic women like Stella Kent & Diana Krall sound, how deep and unique IlDivo & Josh Groban sounds. . . forgotten to feel how hungry is my stomach, how aching is my muscles, how sleepy I am, and how much I miss my friends. . .forgot when was the last time I slept at 11pm, forgot when was the last time I didn't have to work at night, forgot when was the last time I could surf the internet, forgot when was the last time I went out with my friends to chill. . .

Step back. . . breath. . .rewind . . .

I Spent few hours of the wee mornings sitting in front of my TP playing back my long forgotten songs, searching back sweet old memories which brings smile back into my life, closed my eyes and let the music sweep me off my chair and drift me back into that space which I have long forgotten. . . a space in the  world someone used to call 'imaginary world, in contrast of the reality world we live in". A space which there's only sweetness with memorable people and events in it. . .

Have always dreamt that one day when I get my own house, I'll be able to venture into my comfortable world very often to rewind. Ideally, there will be one of those fantastic people with great voices singing to me on my television. . .can see them and hear them. Sweet smell of lavander burning from the candles litting the room up, cooling aircond, cozy sofa with someone to snuggle up to, hold hands and enjoy the moment. Then we'll share with each other about our dreams, our 'imaginary' world. . .or just sit quietly holding hands with our eyes closed, enjoying the moment.

I have every single items of the above, I have a house, CD's, candles, aircond, sofa, a human in the other room. . . but yet they all don't come together.

But then again, nothing is perfect, no ideal things ever happen, we should be thankful of what we have, la la la la... so guess we all just have to live with what we have and once a while remember to step back. . . breath. . . rewind. . . and go back into that peaceful, soothing wonderful space we can 'imaginary world'.
It is never easy to find someone who shares the same passion as you do. . . a choice which I have already made and will have to stick with. Again, simply because I need to, I want to, and I have to.

In connection to my earlier blog. . .again, I do not understand why am I awake at 4am blogging instead of working or sleeping. Not working, perhaps because my brains are already dead and I have already switch off the lights earlier to sit in the dark listening to Josh Groban.

Went to Tenggol together with the Scubatec team for diving staying in Aqua…

Started drive about 11pm+ on March 27 night and arrived in the Jetty about 5am+… Good thing there were Marinus & Abott in the car to keep Andrew entertained, so I can doze off and catch a few dozen of winks before sunrise…

 

Food in that dive center is like, food when you go for camp during high school time. There were food… just limited and it’s like, “siapa lambat dia rugi” / First come first serve kind of thingy. If you are late, u stay hungry throughout the night. No stalls, no anything which sells you anything if you go hungry at night. It is just you, and your stomach and the ten thousands of gadzilion mosquitoes flying around.

 

Dive there, or at least dive to dive sites which we were taken to…was… no comments. No object for me to practice my photo-taking skill, I mean still objects like nudi’s for me to play with. Fishes also, barely…I only remember seeing tons of black nudi’s and corals. Tons of Crown of Thorns (COT) and tons of sea-urchins.

 

But anyway, I still did enjoy myself…for being able to sleep in the car on my way there, and clocking another 6 dives with my new Oceanic Geo dive comp.

 

The boat ride there was a pain…about 1.5 – 2 hours on that slow boat, and it was actually not that far away.. as from the mainland I can look out and see Tenggol.

It’s almost 1am, and I’m listening to a video recording of Risk Taking…

 

Would you take a risk? When will you take a risk? Is getting married a risk? Is having an affair a risk which could ruin your marriage? Is changing jobs a risk? Walking out on the street a risk? Eating the food we eat a risk of food poisoning? Doing your work in office and minding your own business a risk?

 

Come to think of it, every thing we do IS a risk…if it IS a risk, then why do we still do it?

 

Next thing on everyone’s mind is to measure the impact of the risk, and make an assessment. And the more I dwell and think into this topic, the more depressed I feel. Feel like I’m so full of risk in every single things I do, work, personal, everything that I begin to wonder… is it normal? Is it the right thing to do? Is it ‘safe’? Esp if someone tells you “It is too late”, does that make it feel like a wrong choice? Or was it purely meant as a joke?

 

Where I am today, it has been a series of risk I’ve taken. Risk putting my cash into my ‘den’ and risk not even having enough money to last me till the end of the month. What if I lose my job? What if I need money for emergency and I barely have anything in my savings. What if…what if…. The one question which follows up after ‘risk’.

 

There’s always the bright and gloom side to everything. I believe in seeing the bright side, to think positive and find good in everything. There are certain issues where it’s practically impossible to find a ‘good’ thing in it…then what do I do? Try to console myself that the earth will not stop moving, and things mst move on, ppl must move on…. But memories always still stay. How do we erase memories and make it all go away? Do a selective memory erase program, throw the bad, and keep the good, so perhaps we can live happily? Will we be happy?

 

How do we know if we are happy? When some ‘happy’ hormone kicks in and we know and feel happy, loved and cherished? Or we have to program our brains to keep telling ourselves that we are happy, we are loved, we are everything we want to be, we are blessed….and with that! Because we want to, because we believe we can, then we are happy?

 

How do I know what am I feeling now? I am awake now, when normally I’ll be asleep in my old place…Is there a reason I’m awake? Because of waiting for someone, or because I’m pretending to be busy and end up hanging around online blogging? Or maybe I really wanted to blog so I am awake. Is it because I want to? Or because I need to? How will I know?

 

Why are there so many how’s? The more we think of the ‘how’s’… the more depress it makes me feel. If I do not think of ‘how’, I will never know the objective and reason behind everything…then  it feels pointless of living on.

 

As we are on the ‘why’ and ‘how’ topic, and also cos of of the many divorce and marriage stories there have been going around… I sometimes cannot help but to wonder, why do ppl want to get married?

 

I understand the logic of getting married, and end of the day to have kids and start their own family. It’s the same as why we need to work, cos end of the day there is where our money comes from. But why? I mean, there are a lot of ppl nowadays who marry young, and they both do not have plans for kids until the next few years. So why? For the title for the older ones? Fun for the younger ones to do something different?

 

If it’s love…you do love each other when you are married, and also you do love each other while dating… so what’s the difference? In fact, I feel love is felt more, and seems more apparent and stronger when dating compared to marriage.

 

While dating, you don’t see each other every morning when you get up, and night when you sleep. So when you do go out on dates, time spent is quality. Time spent alone together is magic. But after marriage, because of the fact you both share the same bed and see each other every morning and night… the ‘time spent’ is different. Ppl tend to take things for granted and somehow, makes you feel neglected. Which makes you wonder back to the original question of…why do ppl marry? Marry, just to get a hse together? That when both get back home, one just glues himself to the TV and the other have to entertain her/him’self? And the TV person doesn’t even flicker and eyeblink to see what the other is doing, if he/she is ok, doesn’t even care. Is this because of the thing call ‘love’? Or ‘love’ ends after you sign away your life on the paper which says “registra of marriage … now you are husband & wife”

 

Anyway, I guess my mind is telling me I’m happy at my new den… but is that what my heart really tells me? At least I know I’ve done all I can, what happened has happened…what will happen, will eventually happen in the end. Only God will have the answers to my endless questions.

New phase in life...but still feels the same...

When you read books or watch movies...each time a new phase enters a person's life, everything seems to change. For good or for bad... everything changes, and things are different.

Perhaps at my workplace we are already trained to be immune to changes, to accept the changes because we can, because we must, and because we want to. We have been trained to be adaptable to be able to blend in quickly. So when I enter a new so-called 'phase' in my life...things still feel the same.

Have moved in to my new den, got internet access and it's the start of online nights again for me and time to start blogging again.